I just got a message on facebook from my mother. I'll spare you her internet syntax and will paraphrase it for you: She's worried about me. When she thinks of me, she gets warning signs in her head. Now usually I would just brush this off as my mother being paranoid about her baby in college. But the more I sit here and think. the more I wonder if I really am okay. I mean: I'm planning on becoming a hermit next year for Christ's sake. I've got eleven small cuts on the lower half of my body: 6 on the right hip, 4 just above the right knee, and 1 on the left hip. It seems like I'm always tired. I just chalk this up to college most of the time but it's the sort of tired that just never seems to go away. My back and neck are always tense and a little painful. It seems like I'm always cold anymore (even now I'm curled up under a blanket with only my hands out to blog.)
I wish I could say that I was just stressed from college and lack of sleep and such... but I'm really not. I'm almost bored with my classes and therefore aren't taking them as seriously as I should. I mean I've got a speech sometime in the next week or two and I haven't even started researching anything yet. But I know I'll half-ass something at the last minute and do well enough to get a decent grade. I feel like that's what my school work has come down to: I'm bored so I'll do enough to pass. I hate that feeling.
I'm staying at Matthew's this weekend again. I guess the comfort of home is just too good for me to pass up for very long. I know that it's bad of me to stay up so late... but I can't help it. Playing League of Legends helps kind of keep my mind busy and off the fact that I could be sleeping and dreaming and not stuck in the rut I am now.
I still don't understand why I feel like this. I get into these horrible funks and I just can't seem to shake them. They were much worse when I was living at home and fighting with Mom constantly... but those just seemed to be angry and depressed. Now I'm just emotionless. And I really really hate it.
It's 1:38 right now and I am going to go to bed. Maybe when I wake up, I'll feel a little bit better.
- Lonesie
Dear Bethany,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your last two blog posts, I wanted to write you this short letter (I call it a letter because I handwrote it and was going to give it to you personally but I never got the courage to). I wanted you to know that me as well as lots of other people do care about you. I can't fully imagine the extent to which you feel isolated, but I wanted you to know that if you ever want to about anything, I am there for you (after all we all know that my room has an open door policy)
I am sure that I am coming across as preachy or insincere, but I felt like I need to "do" something when I found out about your cutting. I don't look down at you for doing it, but I feel like there are better ways to cope with the suffering you feel. I am far from an expert on the subject, but I know that you could get advice from the counseling center here on campus (heck the person from Sex and Chocolate seemed like a nice person) If you are worried about how that might affect your future career, I assure you it will not because the counseling center has a very protective privacy policy.
One last thing, I can kind of understand your feeling of academics being a joke. It sounds like you feel way under challenged and I have the exact same feeling. One way that I have tried to "subsidize" education with is keeping up with the news. I don't know if it is more intellectual simulation you are looking for, but the news is very good at providing that.
So all in all, I hope that you don't find this letter to preachy and/or offensive, but I just wanted you to know that me and several others (on our floor and otherwise) do genuinely care about you.
Christopher Krause
PS: I sure this is gonna make me sounds even more like your mother, but I would advise against having a single's room next year. I know that you ended up in a pretty bad roommate situation this year, but having a roommate is really a learning experience (ok that was super cliche) Rooming with Matt this year has taught me things about myself and how to cooperate with other people. I hope that you'll at least consider rooming with someone else next year. Heck you might even know of someone from a class or toys and textiles that you'd be more compatible with as roommates. I'll tell you what: I have got so much more social education living in the dorms with a bunch of other people than I have got academic education this year.