This post is very very late.

Usually, if I leave a blog for a few months, I very rarely come back to it.  However, I feel like I need to just get a bunch of things off my chest.

I'm not sure when I became some sort of Big Gay Goddess, but I guess it's happened.  My wonderful Murray came out to his parents and he's been desperately seeking advice on how to make things easier for his parents to digest.  And I have no idea what to tell him.  I've tried to comfort him and let him know how brave I think he is.  However, he wants to tell the world.  He's running on the rush of pride and freedom from guilt and I just don't want him to get hurt.  I love him dearly and I would not hesitate to crush anything that threatened him.  He wanted help coming out and I did the best I could.  I mean, I've only come out as bisexual to a few people and none of them were people whom I thought would have bad reactions (with the exception of Matthew, but I'm pretty sure he just ignores it).  I haven't even come out to my parents and I probably never will because fuck them.  I won't subject myself to that.

But he's so brave and so excited and I just want to hold him and tell him that the world is a shitty shitty place and the closet is so much safer.  And that makes me a horrible person.  So I'll just support him in whatever he chooses.  Because fuck he's amazing.

In other news and off heavy subject:  I'm working working working on my new cosplay for next weekend:  A lovely little Magikarp Gijinka. Progress is being detailed here~ I have a feeling it's going to be an awesome costume and a lot of fun to wear.  Jeremy and Zack are planning on doing Homestuck cosplays of John and Dave respectfully.  Both of them seem pretty excited as well.  Kaitlin is just going to go and hang around.

Work is slowly trying to kill me.  I didn't get a job working at the YMCA or anything like that so I'm working with my mom out at Don Dye's, the manufacturing plant my mom has worked at for like 18 years now.  It's not a bad job.  Really, it isn't.  It's just long hours on your feet with nothing but a fan and a prayer to keep you cool.  And with this 100+ temperatures recently, it's just been miserable.   But oh well.  Only 5 more weeks and then it's back to school.   Hooray.

Right?

- Lonesie

This post will be slightly intriguing.

Please disregard that title.  This post is mostly just me rambling on about secrets and hidden places.

How many of the 3 or 4 people who actually read my blog had a secret place to hide things?  I had a few places where I shoved things I didn't want my mother to snoop through but only two of them are still in use:  Under my mattress and in a beat up Fuzzy Poster box.

Under the mattress was the original hiding place.  I shoved all of the depressing fan fiction I read back in "the day" (read: when I was 13 and obsessed with suicide.) I hid my journals, silly cards that I would write to boys that paid me the slightest bit attention in middle school, and things like that.  I actually lifted up my mattress recently and found pages of the story I was trying to shit out but never got the chance to really ever develop.  I sometimes wonder if I had the chance to go back and really work on it, would it be any good?  Probably not.  It was all about illegal dance clubs ala Dirty Dancing.  The climax was going to be an epic gun fight between the Tango dancers and the Strippers.  Which I totally thought was going to be awesome.  Maybe one day after I've got a solid job I'll try to breathe some new life into that stupid old thing.

The other place mentioned is the Fuzzy Poster box.  It was basically a cardboard box and lid covered in a rainforest Fuzzy poster.  I'm pretty sure I colored a butterfly on it and then labeled it my "Secret box."  That is were I hid all of my Boy's Love and Wicca paraphernalia.  Most of it has been liberated from the crumbling  box and are now either up at school with me or just chilling around in my room.  My mother very rarely goes into my room without me there.  It probably just depresses her that I'm not there anymore.  I no longer feel like I have to hide my interests or my hobbies from her and so... candles and incense are now strew about my room.  If she picked up one of the volumes called "Junjou Romantica", she would be shocked and confused by the men inside.  I feel like my room is no longer hiding as many secrets as it used to hold.  There are still some papers and magazines hanging about that old box:  my first issue of Cosmo, another similar magazine, my program from The King's Singers, old poetry and a few candles.

I have no real secret places up at school.  Occasionally, I'll keep things out in my car but that's just so annoying to try and use things.  My car is good for keeping things safe and away from me.  But my secret places were good for keeping things close yet out of sight.

Maybe next year I'll trust my living quarters enough to have a secret place.

This post is a bit melancholy

Not for any particular reason either.  Just the mindset of the creator I guess.  Which is strange:  I have a perfectly pleasant weekend full of theatre and good food and such.  And then it's like as soon as I get back on campus, everything goes straight back to that sluggish disgusting feeling again.  Not any one or anything in particular.  Just that heaviness of school I guess.

I'm really excited that there are only 4 weeks left of real classes.  Then comes dead week and then come finals.  I feel really good about my finals this semester.  I don't think any of them will be extremely difficult.  Then it just turns into the job hunt.  I think I have found a job working as a lifeguard at the YMCA in Wichita this summer.  I hope so anyway.  My phone told me that he called on Wednesday but for some reason didn't let me check the voicemail until Saturday.  So I gave him a call today and missed his office hours some how.  Hopefully they'll still have a position open.  If not, then the hunt continues...

I'm a little nervous about the job though.  They said they offer classes to get people to be certified but I don't know if I'm in good enough shape to do that anymore.  I suppose the way to fix this would be to go swimming every single night.  This would be an awesome plan if I actually could go swimming every night.  The only problem is finding someone to go with me.  I know I must sound really needy or whiny but I just don't want to go by myself.  Who would?  There would be no one there to push me and it would just be me trying my hardest to stay focused on something.  Good paying job or not, I don't think I could keep up with it if it was just on my own.

Cutting down on the junk food should help.  It might encourage me to eat more fruits and veggies and maybe go an exercise once in awhile.  Haha.  But seriously though:  I do miss fresh fruits and vegetables.  It's really hard to keep them around.  Oh well.  Maybe I'll be able to have more of them this summer.  Tomatoes are always better in the summer.

I've applied to be a mod for gijinka.tumblr in the hopes of actually finding some decent ones, not just pokemon and TMNT.  And fucking Hetalia Axis Powers.  :I  Maybe I'll be able to find some good ones.  Or maybe I'll just suck like I do at everything else haha.

It's almost 6:30 and I should probably eat something.  The last time I ate was like 10:30 this morning and my body is getting that terrible sensation like it wants food or something.

This post is an apology.

Because I should update this more often than every month or so.  With the my last post being nothing but a huge pic spam of things that make me feel human, I figured I should give you an update on what humanity has actually done for me recently.

This evening (this now being a few days later) I needed to clear my head.  I was just going to walk out to my car and sit and read for a bit but I ended up driving to a town called Lebo which is about 17 miles away.  It was there that I sat at the playground and read my book in the cold.  Before leaving I had texted Matthew, telling him that he should call or text me if he hadn't heard from me in a few hours.

I ended up coming back after about an hour and a half.  It was just what I needed:  some time out and about.  But now I'm back in the grind of things.  And I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I've only got 11 lines still... but I'm not quite sure if that number will increase or decrease.

This post is not full of pictures.

I feel like I should post more often.  But this can't even keep me very focused.  I feel terrible about the last few posts I've made but I know it's wrong of me to edit them.  It feel like I should preserve them for some later date.  I really don't know if I have a lot to say right now...  So I'm just going to post some "A Softer World" strips that have always resonated with me. This includes the newest one (as of March 5th) which just seems like one to save.  Maybe in a few more weeks I'll have things figured out.

This post is somewhat thought provoking.

I just got a message on facebook from my mother.  I'll spare you her internet syntax and will paraphrase it for you:  She's worried about me.  When she thinks of me, she gets warning signs in her head.  Now usually I would just brush this off as my mother being paranoid about her baby in college.  But the more I sit here and think. the more I wonder if I really am okay.  I mean:  I'm planning on becoming a hermit next year for Christ's sake.  I've got eleven small cuts on the lower half of my body:  6 on the right hip, 4 just above the right knee, and 1 on the left hip.  It seems like I'm always tired.  I just chalk this up to college most of the time but it's the sort of tired that just never seems to go away.  My back and neck are always tense and a little painful.  It seems like I'm always cold anymore (even now I'm curled up under a blanket with only my hands out to blog.)

I wish I could say that I was just stressed from college and lack of sleep and such... but I'm really not.  I'm almost bored with my classes and therefore aren't taking them as seriously as I should.  I mean I've got a speech sometime in the next week or two and I haven't even started researching anything yet.  But I know I'll half-ass something at the last minute and do well enough to get a decent grade.  I feel like that's what my school work has come down to:  I'm bored so I'll do enough to pass.  I hate that feeling.

I'm staying at Matthew's this weekend again.  I guess the comfort of home is just too good for me to pass up for very long.  I know that it's bad of me to stay up so late... but I can't help it.  Playing League of Legends helps kind of keep my mind busy and off the fact that I could be sleeping and dreaming and not stuck in the rut I am now.

I still don't understand why I feel like this.  I get into these horrible funks and I just can't seem to shake them.  They were much worse when I was living at home and fighting with Mom constantly... but those just seemed to be angry and depressed.  Now I'm just emotionless.  And I really really hate it.

It's 1:38 right now and I am going to go to bed.  Maybe when I wake up, I'll feel a little bit better.

- Lonesie

This post is slightly Late.

So I guess I haven't posted in a week and I do feel guilty.  I guess a lot has just kind of prevented me from sitting down and just sorting out my thoughts.  Then I decided to say "fuck organization.  These people read a blog called 'slightly offensive and highly erotic.' They get what they pay for."


I went to a convention this weekend.  It was a blast.  I've started hurting myself again.  Not a lot but enough to make the difference.  Just enough to show myself that I can still bleed a little.  I'm going crazy sitting here and waiting for school to be over or at least until Spring Break.  I can't wait until I get into my car and just drive and drive and drive away from this place.  I don't really know why I started hurting myself again.  I'm so stressed about school and the boyfriend with gifts and such.  It feels almost good again.  He's on the phone again and just rambling like I love him for.  but I know it'll be soon when he starts asking about the Valentine's Day gifts.  I was so content this weekend that nothing in the world could have brought me down.  And then I had to come back to all of this.  Passive agressive girls, classes I don't give two fucks about, and most importantly:  people whom I hold no sort of respect for anymore.  So few people here I still enjoy talking to.  It's annoying and a little depressing.  I can't wait until I can become a hikikomori next year.  Maybe I won't have to deal with this shit anymore.  Get my own place.  Come out for classes only.  Work a little and spend even less.


Should probably end this before I start rambling more.  Don't want to post anything incriminating.

I feel kind of guilty

Because I keep promising myself that I'll post more when I say I will.  But then I end up watching Panty & Stocking again from start to end.  That fucking show.  Seriously.  <3

But oh well.  I've got about 15 minutes until my Biology lab starts up and I'm ready to go.  Other than shoes and my jacket and such.  But I can grab all that on my way out.

So Valentine's Day was interesting... I managed to get my food stuff sent out but I forgot the cards and such.  Lol.   Oh well.  Looks like I'll have some for next year.  Mickey and Minnie are pretty much good no matter when.  I got a rose and some chocolate from Matthew's parents which was really nice of them.  My mom's gift box should be here about now but since I'm going to class, I figure I'll grab it on my way back up here in a few hours.

I'm glad the weather has cleared up and we actually have a chance to spend all 2 hours in lab and not get any further behind.  I was shocked that even though I'd been skipping Biology, I really hadn't missed much.  Other than a test but he's already given the make up policy which means I have to take it the week before finals.  I can do that.  Eh.  I guess the class is just kind of dull for me since I remember a lot of what I've already learned.  I remember the parts of a cell pretty well.  I couldn't tell you what all of them do anymore but I could probably point them out on a chart.  Down to about 12 minutes. It only takes about 5-6 minutes to walk to class which is why I'm not too concerned about rushing over there ASAP.  Seems a little silly to just haul ass to get there and sit around for a bit.

I'm sure I'll actually post something about my weekend plans or even my recent League of Legends games tonight because I'll be bored as hell.  Well at least until Jeremy gets out of class and can call.  3 and a half years bby.  It's a little bizarre.  But no love life shit, remember?

Well, down to 10 minutes and I still need to put shoes on.  So I'll leave before I start gushing~

Will probably post when I get back from class and have opened my Valentine's Day box.

- Lonesie

This post will be BORING.

I missed a post yesterday and I feel a little guilty. So I'll definitely post twice today. I've already got my other post mostly written because it was done in my Public Speaking.  I hate that class so much it hurts.  But eh.  It happens.  I don't think this post will be quite as long as the other but this one should have a little bit of background info.

I used to role-play a lot back in "the day."  It was how I made friends, enemies, lovers, and more.  I had two characters:  Lea and Carmen.  Carmen never really got off the ground with people (she was a little too cold for people's enjoyment.)   Lea, however, was everyone's sweetheart.  I can count the number of times she cursed in character on one hand.  It seemed like everyone enjoy talking to her and she was even married.  But like most sweet optimistic people, a lot of guys just used her.  And I agreed to most of the things they suggested because I thought it might "move the plot along."  So Lea was pushed out of a window while pregnant, pissed on by the man she was married to after he shocked her into unconsciousness, and gave up her first born child because he "didn't want to deal with it."

There was one good friend of mine, Redd as she will always be remembered, who helped me actually develop Lea's character without abuse.  She played a whole slew of Yu-Gi-Oh characters, her favorites being Marik and the Evil Bakura.  Lea had developed a bit of an attraction to Touzoku (her Evil Bakura) and he was...  happy to indulge her.  Many times he would just disappear for long stretches of time (she liked to keep her characters along a single timeline so she wouldn't have to keep up with multiple wives and husbands and such) so Lea was very often left alone.

I guess I just sort of miss those days when I could pull out a character and create something.  The longing for something really hit me today in class and I wrote a little more about it than I probably should.  Will more than likely post it all later.

- Lonesie

This post is Slightly Offensive. Probably.

So I'm back to the idea that History International will be the end of me.  We're watching "Sex in '69:  Sexual Revolution" and I'm fascinated.  This is one of the things that I've always found so fucking awesome:  Sexual expression.  I guess it's kind of strange for me to be so intrigued by this.  But at the same time it's really not.  I guess I could blame everything on my Catholic upbringing but I guess it was just more of just growing up in small town USA.  Sex has always been something really interesting to me and I guess I've always been willing to delve a little further than some of the other people I know.  I don't mean that in the sense that I'm a whore.  In fact, I'm quite the opposite no matter how much I joke about it.

The weird part is that I feel more excited about being a maiden the more I explore my sexuality.  And when I say explore I mean doing a lot of soul searching and such.  Not going out and experimenting with anything that says yes.  Because that's kind of bizarre.  I've never really understood how someone could enjoy having sex with lots of different people.   Maybe I'm just the strange one for holding my sexuality as such a special thing.  I have an idea of what I enjoy and until I'm shown otherwise, that's what I'll hold as the truth.

I wish I could discuss my idea of a good time but that would seriously put some of you off and so I'll try to avoid it as much as possible.  I also hope that you all don't mind the random floods of women and breasts and such.  I'll try to keep it as PG-13 to R and not delve into that realm of NC-17.  If I do feel that urge, I will always just link to things for your own clicking discretion.

Another thing I should probably put out there:  The whole "bisexual" thing will seem pretty obvious if it isn't already.  I mean, when I told the love of my life, he said he had pretty much figured it out.  Only one person seemed a little shocked by the whole thing but he's a homophobe and said that as long as I don't "flaunt it" he's cool.  I just want to put this info out so people aren't confused when I talk about men and then spam tits everywhere.

Anywho.  I guess what I mean by this whole thing is that I love sex.  I think it's a beautiful thing and I can't wait to share it with someone I love, be it man or woman.

But I'm willing to wait and search a bit more before I just rush into anything.

Will probably post again later.

- Lonesie

This post will be Highly Erotic.

Now I now in my first post I mentioned not talking about my love life which I promise to keep.  However, when I come across things like this, I just can't control myself.

HNGH.

This, as I politely told Zak, is my ultimate woman fetish.  There is just something so sexy about a woman in an over-sized button down and her undergarments and it's just like HNGH.  In combination with the sock and the hair and just how much I fucking love School Days I just...

ASDFGHJKL; I WISH THIS FIGURE WASN'T $85 DOLLARS BECAUSE I WOULD SO HAVE IT.

UGH.

I hate having somewhat strange fetishes.  I guess strange is a poor term to use.  Perhaps "specific" would be better?  All I know is that it's nearly impossible to find tasteful images of women clad like the one above.  Hell, finding images of women dressed like that at all is damned hard.  That's probably why it's such a turn on for me when I can actually find one.  Like a little Christmas every time.  

Also for future reference:  I love School Days.  I really do.  I would love to hunt down a copy of the game and actually play it at some point but I would definietly need an English patch.  I tried to play Gore Screaming Show by just translating it line by line but that was a huge clusterfuck.  So until I can find a decent English patch for the School Days VN, I will leave the only figurine I have placed on a "Must Buy Before Death" list.

Who's my cute little yandere?

WHO'S MY CUTE LITTLE YANDERE?

Same figure with a changeable face.  

Also:  Don't open that fucking gym bag.  <3

-  Lonesie

History International Will Be the End of Me.

I don't know why I've always found cults to be so intriguing.  I'll go in these strange binges that make my Google search history enough to get me on an FBI watch list.  But soon, I'm sure, my search history will full of "Helter Skelter" and "Kool-Aid" and I'll have satisfied my need to delve into a stranger part of reality.  Right now they're discussing the Polygamist Compounds and I sort of wish I could hear it better.  But I'm not at my house.  Other wise, I would have the TV blaring and the occasional cry of "FUCK THE POLICE" would be heard.

But oh well.  At least I'm getting some home cooked food.

Ugh.  Showing an advertisement for another John Wilkes Booth special.  Jesus, how many of those can you make?  Seriously.  I don't really think there is going to be much in this new special that wasn't in the last few.  Because honestly:  What new evidence can you bring up at this point?

They're going back to cults now and I'm somewhat more content. I was really pumped for this special... but with the vacuuming and such going on in the background, I'm getting a little distracted and sort of wishing I could play some League of Legends.  But Matthew's playing and I don't want to make him lag anymore than he already is.  I guess I can (maybe) get a quick game in when he's done with this one.  I've kind of been on a Rammus kick recently and I'm pretty much in love with tanks.  <3  Or at least the silly Armordillo.

HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO THAT FACE.

 I just want to fill up this entire post with everything that I want to talk about but I know that if I do, I will have nothing left to talk about to you fine people later on in this week.

Advertisement for a new Sherman's March special.  They still don't seem to know if he was a great leader or some horrible butcher.  After how many hours of debate, you think they would at least be CLOSER to an agreement than they were before.  Ah well.

More cuuuuuults~  This is better than I expected.  Now that Matthew's mother is finished vacuuming, I'm staying pretty focu-YOSHI BLADE!! CERAMIC KNIVES WEE!!!

Good Lord I love infomercials.  

I guess I should end this post here so I can watch my cults and wait my turn to play on the Internet.
I might post again after the show just because I can.

- Lonesie

Introductory Posts are so Mainstream

But what the hell.

Many of you (read: the people curious enough to poke around here) will be slightly disappointed by what you find.  This is not going to be some juicy slam book, full of the things and people whom I detest (is it still cool to use "whom?")  If anything, this is an outlet for me to just get things off my chest.  Dorm life is kind of a strange beast sometimes; you have to mature a lot when you live with a bunch of strangers.

Some of us just mature a bit faster than others.

Some of us also have a basic concept of "clean" and "courteous" before coming into this whole situation.

But who am I to judge right?  I'm just a spoiled white girl who's never really had to work for a lot of the things I was blessed with.  My parents have been married over 30 years.  My older sister just got married a few months ago in October.  My older brother is happily single thankyouverymuch and working himself silly.

I feel really strange when I talk about my family though.  It seems like the norm is becoming divorce and separations and all that jazz.  And I really don't have anything against them either; I understand that not everything works out.  But I feel really guilty talking about my family with other people who have had to deal with divorce and the like.  Makes me feel a little alienated.

But I shouldn't linger too much longer on that.  You came here to read a blog, damnit.  Not listen to my whine about my whitepeopleproblems.

Maybe a few ground rules about what I will and won't post should come next, hm?

WILL

• I will post about people.  Not in a rude "OMG THIS BITCH" sort of way.  More in an observational comedy sort of way.  I will use names.  So if you are reading this and discover yourself mentioned and are offended, please tell me.  I'll replace your name with something else.
• I will post about the few video games I play.  I play Pokemon (FYI:  I'm getting Black in March), League of Legends (Mostly Tristana, Ashe, and more recently Rammus), Shin Megami Tensei (though I am somewhat new to this series), and various other games I will mention.  Do not expect me to fangirl very much.  
• I will post about the few web comics I read.  These include Hanna in Not a Boy's Name, SMBC (though these posts will probably just include a good spamming once in awhile), and a few others that I really enjoy.  And just to get this out of the way:  Fuck Home Stuck.  I refuse to read any more of it than I already have.
• I will post about life.  I've started my second semester in the dorms here and this semester is definitely started off much more bizarre than the first one.  If this blog lasts long enough, expect more from next semester when I am living alone in the dorms.

WON'T

• I won't post about my love life.  Tis my love life and not yours.  Maybe one day I'll post about the man that makes me giddy with joy.  But that won't be for awhile.
• I won't post about religion.  I'm not a very religious person to begin with.  That multiplied by my somewhat laxed Catholic morals and just general attitude towards most organized religions... Yeah it's better off just being left alone.  Unless the WBC crazies are involved.  Then I might post something for the lulz.
• I won't post things to intentionally make people upset.  I might rant a little bit about some of the people I live with but rest assured that I am not trying to be bitchy or passive aggressive.  I just want to get somethings off my chest and let loose.  This is the internet.  take your srs bzns elsewhere.
• I won't post emo bullshit.  No one fucking cares about how "shitty" my life is so I won't bother you guys with my "issues."  I may occasionally post something up about being stressed out and the such but I'm not looking for sympathy.

I hope this clears some things up about this particular slice of my life.  Seeing that it's 1:36 AM and I have a class tomorrow, I'l just going to wrap this up by stating that this should be fun.  I've missed being able to sit down and just pour my thoughts out for later reflection.  There might be the occasional poem spewed out here and there but those posts will probably be locked or something along those lines.  It is now 1:37 AM and I just yawned so I'm really leaving this time.

Okay.

Night.

- Lonesie